?

Log in

What is so interesting about reading that last journal entry is that the very next day I discovered that I was pegnant! It is pretty funny now to look back and read about my mood swings and beginings of morning sickness. That was nearly 4 months ago and so much in my life has changed since then.

I have gotten married, gone on an awesome honeymoon with my sweetie, and now I am almost 6 months pregnant. Very strange! I am so excited to be a mommy! I feel like I'm doing something right and I don't regret it one little bit. I feel like my life is focused for once in a really long time.

I think this whole journey is going to make me a better person. Sometimes I get caught up in the drama and details of other peoples lives, my own included. Now maybe I can focus on my  own life and just be an ear to others which is all most people want anyway-not the advise and talking part lol!

So I am a married woman expecting my first child and I'm 30 years old now! I am so happy to be out of my 20's! That decade was great for what it was but now I guess I feel like a woman and not a child nor a young woman,but a bonefide adult and I don't have to make any apologies to anyone for things I do or say. This is me, take it or leave it.

How refreshing! Atticus Joseph Rollstin Weiland should be here by the end of January, early February so we are super excited! :)

So I bit the proverbial bullet. Many moons ago I journaled about wanting to confront my sister with our relationship and I finally did it! Unfortunately it did not turn out quit the way I imagined. But you know what? It's okay. I will get past this just like I get past anything.

This past week I have felt pretty horrible. I have been sick-only it hasn't been really bad. I just get chills and then the sweats all day long. I am tired and nausous. I have been hormonal and uber depressed. I had my family over Monday night-and I love having them over. I was feeling very horrible that night and I really just wanted to go to bed but because I see eveyone so little I didn't want anyone to leave.

So after everyone left I felt really bad  And it got me thinking that I was tired of how things were going and I needed to do something about it. So I decided to ask my sister the next morning if we could talk about our relationship. She thought a letter would be better so I wrote a letter. Needless to say one cannot convey tone or emotion in a letter and I think the whole thing might be a flop. But I am still hopeful. But it also made me realize that people must really see me differently than I see myself.

Now I agree that it should only really be our own perception of ourselves that matters but could I really see myself so differently? I had no idea that I was so controlling of others, mean, degrading, and basically all-around sucky. I think I have allowed my protective wall of emotions to convey somthing that I did not intend. In order to show others that I do not need them-because I perceived them to no longer need me-I closed up and when no one pries me open I tend to stay closed. Kevin is the only one who knows how to deal with this Crab with the thick shell.

But I decided that I didn't want to stay closed. Just because I felt that others were not prying me open I was not helping myself. And I can really only do it for me-not anyone else. What it comes down to is that we are all fucked up in our own way.

We all have our own insecurities. We all have our own gripes with each other. I'm no different. But I think feeling unconditional love is important. I need to know that the people in my life will love me unconditionally-even when I'm fun and when I'm not fun. When I'm at my best and when I'm at my worst. We don't have to always like each other but we should always be there for each other. And i guess I felt emotionally disconected for a long time.

 

Am I insecure? Yes. Does that mean I suck? No. Have I thrown some mean looks and said some callous things? Yes. Have others done the same? Yes.

But I guess what it comes down to is the Good Times and The Bad Times. I'll be on your side forever more. Cause that's what friends are for.:)
 

Well I think I've out rulled the M.A. in counceling optino at redlands. While it does appeal to me greatly, it is just too expensive. I am too fearful of being tied down to a $700 a month loan payment for 10+ years. I definitley think it's a good idea, but I don't know if I'll want to work enough in the next 10 years to cover that amount. Plus, I want to start having kids this next year so I guess that would be a rather large commitment to make.

Today I am really interested in studying languaages. If I could go buy Rosetta Stone French, German, and Latin today I would. I am so interested in being trilingual. I think it is an area that I really need to pursue.
What to do What to do What to do. I can literally feel the churning in my belly and the painful tightness in my jaw from the constant grinding of teeth.

I gave myself one week to come to a decision about my immediate future. I am so tired of doing nothing that I almost feel desperate to do something. Anything.

I looked into the University of Redlands  program and it will cost about $30,000 to do the two year program in the M.A. in counceling. Does the program appeal to me? Yes. Why? Firstly becuase it appears that I might have a good chance at getting accepted. Secondly I could possibly get a job at a university, where I ultimatley want to work. Thirdly, I can start in May. MAY! So close yet so far.

What is stopping me from starting the program today?

$30,000. It's just too much money. If I had not got so much undergraduate loans then maybe I'd consider it. I haven't taken it entirley off the table yet, but it lingers on the edges. I just feel so torn. 

I'm tired now but I'm sure I will expand upon this journal entry in the coming days.

6 more to go.

I finished reading this week Lucien Febvre's Life in Renaissance France. I can honestly say that this is one of the best books I've read-regardless of the fiction/non-fiction classification. This is such an eloquent and humanistic approach to the past, riddled with lovely anecdote after lovely anecdote. Let me offer you a few quotes-there are so many here that if I listed them all I'd pretty much copy the entire book and that my friends is called copyright infringement. (Which I'm probably doing anyway, but you MUST read some of these quotes!)

The mind of man had to be washed clean of the accumulated layers of superstition, shaved clear of the beard of fantasy, before he could see; for it is with the brain, not with the eyes, that man sees. (39-40)

They wanted to push back the limits of their ignorance, enlarge the lighted circle of human knowledge and human reason. (40)

Suddenly antiquity was accessible, its concern for man, its cult of the individual, its knowledge of man in action, of man in contemplation, man living freely, letting on idea follow another, thinking clearly and boldly. It was an illumination. (31)

Man has become urban, sedentary, and refined as well. What a large place the word "comfort" has come to occupy in our language, modern comfort in which we take such pride. What implications the word has, of
convenience and material ease: a light turned on or off at the flick of a finger, an indoor temperature independent of the seasons, water ready to flow hot or cold, as we wish, anytime, anywhere. All these, and a thousand other marvels as well, fail to astonish us. Yet they affect the physical temper of our bodies, help us to avoid certain diseases and make us prey to others. They influence our work habits, our leisure time, our customs and conventions, and all the ways of thinking and feeling which are the result of these things. Can we really claim then that they are merely exterior, merely accident, not worth nothing or discussing? We are tied to all this technology, it has a hold on us, it makes us serve it, odd, rooted spirits as we are. We are slaves three times over to the insatiable hungers we ourselves have created. In that sense, the men of the sixteenth century were free. (4)


Febvre was taught a different kind of history than the one he taught. What I find so interesting is that even today, much of historical education is wrapped up in progressive tales that serve an agenda. Rarely is history given a human face which is odd considering that history is only the story of the human drama. Yet I think it is too often taught in a series of dates and events that chronologically make sense if nothing else.

I love history-the human side of history. It does me more service as a reader when Febvre says people in the sixteenth century were always cold. His telling is not always progressive, it is not always pretty. When he describes the life of a Renaissance merchant he writes of the near impassible roads and the difficulty of monetary exchange and the weight of a livre. Details, details, details. Yet as a reader I come away with more of an understanding of man in the 16th century than I ever got reading a college text that read progressively and chronologically.

Breakthrough!

Today I had such a breakthrough that I feel like I'm incredibly high. I haven't felt this excited about any prospect for a very long time-years in fact. Let me give a little background first thoght.

Yesterday, Katie and I were at mom's house and Katie was talking about going back to school if she loses her job. She thinks she wants to get her teaching credential and teach 3rg grad or something. Of course, I thought that would be  freaking wonderful idea. And of course, my excitement for her transfered onto myself and I started thinking about getting a teaching credential. Funny, huh? Fickle, fickle heart....

The problem with that plan for myself is that I really don't want to teach elementary or secondary school. The only thing that appeals to me is the money and the hours. I know that I would much rather teach 10the grad world history rather than work at Wal-Mart or some equally detestful retail store. But the main problem is that I just don't want to teach at the lower level. On the other hand, I'm desperate to go back to school-anything to move forward with my life and not be stuck here doing NOTHING!

So mom and I today batted some ideas around and I remembered a program offered by the University of Redlands. So I decided to look it up. It is a Master of Arts in Higher Education. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. It seems so perfect! I can go back to school soon, the next program starts in May.

The program focuses on teaching at the community college level. Some of the classes  are called: The Reflective Ecucator, Pluralism in Education, Community College Today. It just sounds so great! And then I can go on to Cal State Fullerton and get my masters degree in history and teach at a junior college. Then hopefully I won't be so nervous teaching a college level course!

I am just in the process of finding out about the program so hopefully there will not be any pitfalls. It might be too perfect to be true, but I think it would just be great. :)

Writer's Block: AKA

AKA
What's the story behind your username?
The story behind my user name is probably fairly obvious-I am a lover and collector of books! It is common knowledge to those who know me that I buy more books every week than I could possibly read. It is almost an obsession. I don't really collect 'collectible' books, though there are a few first editions I'd love to posess. I just imagine having a room one day when I can afford a larger house, filled with books on beautiful bookshelves from ceiling to floor. I even want a coule of those ladders in there!

Maybe it's reminisent of Disney's Beauty and the Beast, only not a cartoon room, and not so large! I just love books. I plan on reading every one I buy but when I finish one book I don't always go to my shelves and grab another. I usually go back to the bookstore and buy two or three more. I love the idea of what lies within the pages-other worlds, stories of lives I've never known, romance beyond imagination, hatred that sends chills up my spine, historical dramas that sweep me back to another time or place.

Books are magic.

As for the 79, it simply is for the year I was born. NOthing too exciting there. :)
Yesterday I re-re-started my diet/life change. Exciting! I am going to take it one week at a time, seven days at a time. I think one of the problems I have had, amongst many I'm sure, is that I think too big sometimes.  With so much weight to lose (60+ lbs.) I get so focused on that big number that I lose sight of the small victories. So I've decided to change my strategy and focus on just one week at a time.

I know I've written about my goal before but nothing else is going on so I'll write about it again. Lucky you! I want to be confident enough to wear a bathing suit on my birthday-my 30th birthday which is July 2 of this year. I'm not saying I have to be a certain weight-even though I'm sure that it would at least be in the high 140's. I just want to put on a retro swimsuit, a big floppy hat, and sit on the beach or next to a sparkling pool somewhere. If I have it my way, I'd either like to go to Catalina or San Diego. But just as long as I can go anywhere I would be happy!

I just am tired of having this problem. I am tired of worrying about my weight and how I look. It's time for me to get off my but and do something about it. Yesterday, I walked on my mom's treadmill for 10 minutes with a roughly 10% incline. Let me tell you, this thing is no joke! It is so hard! By 5 minutes I am gasping for breath. sweating, and my quads for rock hard. I have to literally battle with myself to continue! Then, when I go home later in the day, I did: 30 bicep curls (6 lbs.), 20 tricep curls (2 lbs.), 20 crunches, and 15 leg lifts. It's a start, that's all I can say.

So my next weigh in is Tuesday night and I really hope to lose some weight to jump start this whole thing-get a little motivation. Picking foods that are filling, fulfilling, and low in points is really, really hard. Yesterday I had: 1 yogurt, 6" Subway sandwich, Turkey sloppy joes, Oven potatoes, salad and a 10 calorie jello for desert. You know what? I ended the day with 3 extra points! I didn't use any of my weekly points so I am VERRRRRY happy about that. I really don't want to use any of my weekly points this week. I just want to eat right and exersice and see what the results are. I'm even having tea this morning instead of coffee so I don't have any extra calories. I even contemplated NOT having gummy vitamins yesterday because 2 are 15 calories! Boy, talk about a new me.

But one thing I know for sure, the first day is easiest. That's when you are still self-motivated and gung-ho about it all. The  2nd through 4th day's are the hardest I think. It takes a couple days for your body to adjust the less amounts of food and to quit knawing and growling. :)

So hopefully I'm able to put the monster to rest finally. I feel so much better when I exercise and eat right. Then I don't have that guilt.

And if anyone is looking for a 3 pt. sloppy joe, here it is: Use 99% fat free ground turkey breast, Hunt's Manwich sauce-must be this one because it has only 40 calories per serving PLUS 2g fiber, the others don't have fiber. And I found a 1 point bun at Winco. I don't remember the brand, but it had 100 calories and 5g of fiber-Nature something. But even Kevin liked them! What was even better was that I was able to have 2 and I felt full.

SO good luck to me on the journey and hopefully with hard work and dedication, it will pay off for a wonderful summer!
Academia. Scholar. This is how I want to be described.

This past weekend Kevin and I, with our lack of friends, things to do, and most importantly, money, decided to dream shop at Ikea in Covina. It was really fun since I desperatly want to decorate our house and make it yummy and cozy. I got some great ideas and I can't wait to make it happen. I think I'm going to go with a modernized, more ecclectic French country.

Needless to say, the day started off rocky. As anyone probably knows, I've been suffering from depression for the past year or so. Just when I think I have it under control I get wacked over the head with an uber-emotional breakdown that leaves me feeling hopeless and drained, both physically and mentally. Kevin and I are both relatively passive peeps. Neither of us takes risks and neither of us are decision makers when it comes to said risks. So anyway, Saturday morning, and lingering into the afternoon, saw Kevin and I sitting in our tiny house, contemplatin what to do for the day that was basically free and yet would keep both of us busy. Neither of us has any real friends-either because we are too picky or possibly because we both take a while to warm up to people and most people don't stick around long enough for a friendship to develop- but I have a sinking suspicion that it is a combination of both.

So we decided to go the urban-cheap-mass marketed furniture mecca. On the way home, we decided to stop at the Starbucks on Foothill BLVD near Claremont Graduate University.

Because of my lack of skill as a writer, I can't even begin to describe the feelings that wash over me as we park at the Starbucks. The weather is cool but overcast-my perfect weather. The greens of the plants stand out against the red of the brick. A water fountain is bubbling away creating an almost instantaneous calming affect upon arrival.

Once inside the coffee house, the music playing makes me want to plop down and stay awhile. A mild Swing played just low enough to not raise the blood pressure.
 
Sight. Sound. Smell. Soon taste. Feel.

All of my senses engaged. What do I see? People loitering about with various books spread on laps and tables alike. "The Illustrated Guide to the Bible". My over-active imagination instantly creating a fantasy of who this person is. She is asian and possibly around 25 years old or so. I can't tell about her friend since her back is to me. Perhaps she is a student at the School of Religion? My pulse races with the thought.

Perpindicular to the two asian girls are what appear to be a couple. The man has dark brown hair cut short, messy. He is wearing eyes glasses reminisent of Buddy Holly as is the thrift store cardigan draped across his lanky body. His feet catch my eye as I notice that he is confidently wearing flip flops. For some reason I find this incredibly neat. He has one ankle laying casually on the opposite knee as he reads through a text that I can't identify since he is holding the cover pulled back. In his left hand he holds a yellow highlighter.

A yellow highlighter is one of the most beloved objects I believe. Who doesn't love a yellow highlighter and all that it is capable of and all that it signifies?

I have spent too much time checking out the intellectual grunge-era inspired man that too late, I realize I am at the counter and must order my coffee and I can't check the woman out. I order Kevin and I our very non-Seattle sweet drinks and then I turn to check out the rest of the cafe.

I know that I belong in this world. I don't want to be a snob about it. I don't want to be an Elitist. I just know that I belong in the world of academia. Is some of it fantasy? Of course. But what good is existance without some fantasy.

I am not saying that I must go to Claremont Graduate University. Lord (and I'am an Atheist mind you) knows that I do not have the undergraduate GPA nor the funds for such a pretsigious school. I once fancied the idea of going to the School of Religion and studying the History of Christianity with such greats as Karen Jo Torjenson and Kristin De Troyer. But the dream I have of immersing myself in academia does not mean I have to go to the best school. I just want to go to A school. I want my masters degree, and quite frankly, I then want to get my doctorate. I mean, you only, as far as we know, live once. So why not do the things that you believe will make you satsfied with your existance?

Leaving Claremont I had heavy thoughts. Life is not always easy. It would be so nice if someone could say to me, "Stacy, do this, this, that, this, and that and you will get into graduate school." But it doesn't work that way. And for some reason, I have allowed 5 years to go by and my dream is unfulfilled. I don't have to get it tomorrow, I just want to know that I'm working on it. I want to know that I am working towards a goal that I am proud of.

It would be wonderful to meet like-minded people. Not that I want to meet peopel who ONLY study history or religious studies, but people who are/were/plan on going on to graduate school and who have just as much interest in academic pursuits. Connections are important and I think I am realizing how much I miss having those contacts. Not for personal gain, but to have a connection to someone  who understands that journey.

So what to do now? I must, must, must study for the GRE. I have taken in already- in December of 2005. I did not get the greatest of scores though so I need to retake it. I must study for that. Keep working on the French. And as soon as possible take an upper division course at CSUF or somewhere similar.

Academia. Scholar. This is what I want to do.
(I coppied this from another entry)
This is gacked off the RT message boards: 
Give me 15 random facts about you as a reader. 


1. I didn't like reading until my early teens. I remember sitting in Mr. Tipton's 4th grade class 'reading' The Jungle Book-unabridged-and day dreaming.

2. The first book I read that I considered a 'big book' was The Borning Room by Paul Fleischman. I can't remember what exactly it was about but I know the main character was a girl named Georgina, I think. I had to be about 9/10 years old or so. I just loved it.

3. The first young adult book I read was Children of the River by Linda Crew. I picked this out at the Adelanto Library and I loved it. I guess I was about 11/12. 

4. I really got into reading at the age of 13 when I discovered my sister Missy's collection of romance novels. I fell in love with Johanna Lindsey, Jude Deveraux, Julie Garwood, and Judith McNaught.

5. My favorite Romance novel as a teenager was Through a Glass Darkly. Next to that, I think The Taming by Jude Deveraux stuck with me as well. Can't say that the book is really any good now, but for some reason, as a pre-teen, I just cried and cried over that novel. Plus for some reason when I hear Soul Asylums The Sun Maid it reminds me of that book.

6. I am slightly obsessed with books. I buy them like they are about to be wiped off the face of the earth. I think I just am too ambitious for my own good. I'll never have time to read all of them but I keep buying!!

7. I've stayed up all night reading before.

8. Reading Maria Snyder's Poison Study made me want to try and write my own fantasy story.

9. My all time favorite novel so far has to be The Other Boleyn Girl. I just loved it.

10. I know that I'll never read as good, nor as fast as my mother or my sister Katie. They read everything. But I'm learning to accept my own style of reading-even if it is more picky and a bit slower. ;)

11. I have to admit that I do judge by the cover. I get attracted to the pretty books-even if they end up being no good.

12. I hate lending out my books and not getting them back.

13. I desperatly want to read more classics-Dante's Inferno, The Canterbury Tales, Wurthering Heights, East of Eden....on and on. I need to read more classics! 

14. My dream is to join a book club locally. I think it would be wonderful. 

15. The thing I love mose about reading is that it can make the ordinary extraordinary and the boring so much more than that.