So I bit the proverbial bullet. Many moons ago I journaled about wanting to confront my sister with our relationship and I finally did it! Unfortunately it did not turn out quit the way I imagined. But you know what? It's okay. I will get past this just like I get past anything.
This past week I have felt pretty horrible. I have been sick-only it hasn't been really bad. I just get chills and then the sweats all day long. I am tired and nausous. I have been hormonal and uber depressed. I had my family over Monday night-and I love having them over. I was feeling very horrible that night and I really just wanted to go to bed but because I see eveyone so little I didn't want anyone to leave.
So after everyone left I felt really bad And it got me thinking that I was tired of how things were going and I needed to do something about it. So I decided to ask my sister the next morning if we could talk about our relationship. She thought a letter would be better so I wrote a letter. Needless to say one cannot convey tone or emotion in a letter and I think the whole thing might be a flop. But I am still hopeful. But it also made me realize that people must really see me differently than I see myself.
Now I agree that it should only really be our own perception of ourselves that matters but could I really see myself so differently? I had no idea that I was so controlling of others, mean, degrading, and basically all-around sucky. I think I have allowed my protective wall of emotions to convey somthing that I did not intend. In order to show others that I do not need them-because I perceived them to no longer need me-I closed up and when no one pries me open I tend to stay closed. Kevin is the only one who knows how to deal with this Crab with the thick shell.
But I decided that I didn't want to stay closed. Just because I felt that others were not prying me open I was not helping myself. And I can really only do it for me-not anyone else. What it comes down to is that we are all fucked up in our own way.
We all have our own insecurities. We all have our own gripes with each other. I'm no different. But I think feeling unconditional love is important. I need to know that the people in my life will love me unconditionally-even when I'm fun and when I'm not fun. When I'm at my best and when I'm at my worst. We don't have to always like each other but we should always be there for each other. And i guess I felt emotionally disconected for a long time.
Am I insecure? Yes. Does that mean I suck? No. Have I thrown some mean looks and said some callous things? Yes. Have others done the same? Yes.
But I guess what it comes down to is the Good Times and The Bad Times. I'll be on your side forever more. Cause that's what friends are for.:)